Lent: Return to Me

There He sits in the morning with the newspaper and coffee. “Bye, Father!” I say, as I hurry out the door. “Return to me, daughter” He whispers out to me from behind the paper. 

I go through my day not thinking about Him, but knowing who I am because of who He is. Deadlines, weary conversations, life, busyness, failure, success, fear, the mundane, the unique....all things that pile on to my day. It turns to dark and I head back home. Walking in the door, I see Him sitting on the couch reading a good book. I put down my bag, take off my coat and shoes, and run to the couch and lay my head against my Father’s chest. We say nothing, but I let Him hold me. Moments pass, He turns a page, and I begin to rest.

And when I return to Him, all else fades.... deadlines, failure, success, fear, and life...

Some days I need Him to say nothing, to just let me lean against His chest. 

Some days I need to curl up on His lap and bury my head.

Some days I need Him to put down His book and smile at me.

Some days He meets me at the door, takes my belongings and hugs me.

Some days He finds me unable to get out my car. He peeks out the window looking for me.

Some days I ignore Him, go into my bedroom, slam the door and crank the music. 

But most days, and hopefully for the next 46 days, I can sit on the couch and find words for a most gracious conversation. And hopefully He’ll say, “You returned to me.”

Lent. 

When it sucks to be single.

1. When you leave a church event alone. 

2. When you are watching a movie alone.

3. When you are sick.

4. When you are walking in a park. (when do I ever walk in a park, this one is dumb)

5. When you can't carry your groceries to the house in one trip.

6. When you go to Hallmark to buy cards and have to pass the husband/wife section.

7. When you see a buy one get one deal pretty much anywhere.

8. When you get invited to a couples game night.

9. When you don't get invited to a couples game night.

10. When you go to a wedding.

11. When you go to a funeral.

12. When you need someone to hold your purse. (I hardly carry a purse, but ya know...)

13. When you see roses on sale.

14. When your mom is #1 on speed dial. 

15. When you see clothes on the right side of the Old Navy and want to shop for a guy.

16. When you just want someone to talk to.

17. When you want someone to miss you.

Ok, enough of that... Here's what I'm learning.  

Community rocks.  And I cherish my friends. They make being single ok. 

And if you don't learn to live in community with others while being single, you will loose all your community when you are no longer single. (ok, maybe not all) I have seen friend after friend get married and fall off the face of the earth. Yes, it happens to some degree that now your attention is directed towards the one you are in a relationship with, however, I think it is so important to remain in relation with those around you as well. (can you tell I'm a bit bitter?)

I have also experienced people who think that life doesn't start until they get married. So sad! Life began when you were born, duh! I think I will be a better non-single person someday because of the experiences I've had in the last (shhhhhhh) 12 years of single-hood. Yes, I've been single since I was 16. 

Oh crap, now that I'm 29, that means I've been single for 13 years. 

And no, I don't have the gift of singleness. I'm pretty sure of that one. 

Um, so anyway, this blog is so weird and random.

Thanks to all of my friends who make up my community.

 My community of friends is way better than having only one guy who is always around and leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and calls me baby. (ewww..).

Just rest and think of things...

29 seems really old. I don't know why, but it seems a lot older than 28. And I'm grieving getting older. 

For the last several weeks, I've been thinking about my birthday and what I really wanted. I kept seeing this very large, comfy bed. Apparently comfy bed equals rest. Because rest is what I really wanted. And rest is what I got... along with some "smurfing" (throwing up) due to the flu. 

My birthday party was cancelled, and I spent my day on the couch watching movies and resting. I think I really needed to stop and rest, but I am totally sad about missing out on having fun with all of my friends. Tonight, a few friends came by and made my birthday special. 

I turned 29 today. 

So, I've made a list of 29 things that I have loved about my life, whether it be in the last day, last year, or last 29 years...(I've had the last 2 days of rest to think about these). I'm also watching the Oscars. And if I were to win an award, I'd like to say these things. 

Things I love...

1.  My family-for being silly, and fun, and unique....and for not showing up for my birthday this year.

2. My friends-for sticking with me and for laughing with me. I cherish them all and they probably don't know it.

3. My job- for being able to minister to students and their families.

4. Writing.

5. Creativity.

6. Faith.

7. Laughter.

8. Memories-both good and bad.

9. For the year 2008. It was life changing.

10. Music that rocks my soul.

11. For my health (ok, minus the last 24 hours of course)

12. For games-Ticket to Ride, Dr.Mario, WordChallenge, Phase 20

13. Sweatpants. 

14. Experiencing new things.

15. Great books- too many to name here

16. For not being too pretty.

17. For not having too many boyfriends.

18. Inside jokes. (love them!)

19. Oceans and palm trees.

20. Hugs from children.

21. Movies I can watch over and over and never get sick of. (Twilight- 4 times)

22. Fear of things like heights.

23. Family Force 5.

24. Parachute living.

25. Mint. And Chocolate. Together. 

26. Knowing and believing that God is in charge.

27. Knowing and (sometimes) believing that I'm not charge.

28. Faith that gets me out of bed everyday.

29. I love and am so excited for what the future has in store for year 29! 

I was sad about turning 29. But now, I'm totally ok with it. And it took rest to figure that out.

Can I say, thank God for the flu? (let's not go that far)

Rising waters but all I want is the shore...

I heard this song on the radio the other day. And it's kind of stuck with me. There are people around me who are being affected by the changes in the economy. My parents have been hit hard, a close friend lost his job, friends with parents who are being laid off. My dad has 10 more people below him before he gets the boot. 

There is nothing more to say. These lyrics are my prayer for those around me....

Addison Road "Hope Now" 

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Mr. Blackberry

I've been working out with a trainer at Xsport. 

So the other day, I went up to the personal training station to confirm my appointment. As I walked up, I immediately noticed the guy sitting at the table. There he was with a super tight Xsport "trainer" shirt and typing at a ridiculous speed on his blackberry. I'm not sure his real name, but we'll call him 'Mr. Blackberry' from now on.  

"Hi" I say kind of shy-like and insecure-ish. 

He doesn't look up, but says, "Yeah."

"Um, I just wanted to confirm my appointment with Dana for Friday."

Mr. Blackberry looks up from his surgically attached device and says in the most high-school- girl-attitude, "Um, you're going to need to call her." And his head goes back down.

"But could you just look it up on the computer?" I say with customer service expectation.

A few seconds go by and then he answers me with his head still down and while typing, "If a manager was here, but she's not, so no." 

And so I stood there. Like an idiot. Because apparently I've gotten in his way. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to apologize for interrupting him and making Mr. Blackberry do his job or yell at him for being a typical guy......So I walk away. 

A few days later I was sitting at the spa in my gym. I was getting a free manicure. The technicians were chatting with one another and one of the girls says to the other, "You're never going to believe what happened!"  She went into women's bathroom at the spa and walked in on a man sitting on the toilet typing on his blackberry. She said that she ran out and told a few of the women. Mr. Blackberry came out of the bathroom soon after and looked totally embarrassed. 

I laughed. And felt redeemed. 

Relationship Blog

So, I'm reading this book: "He's Just Not That into You."

It's a movie coming out soon and it looks interesting. So I decided to read the book.I've heard mixed reviews from friends, but you won’t hear that from me. It’s allowed me to breathe.  

The girl/guy relationship thing isn’t something I’ve had much experience with. I have lived vicariously through my friends who have had ups and downs in relationships, talked endlessly on the phone with friends about relationships gone wrong, and have gotten the “save the date” card, then the “wedding invitation” and then the “we’re having a baby” note over...and over...and over again. 

I’m not bitter. Let’s just put that out there. But there are moments when I wonder what’s up in my world that has left me writing cards to friends about new things going on in my job rather than in my non-existent relationship.

Here are some quotes from the book and a few personal thoughts. 

(quotes are in bold)

To the girls--learn to breathe, relax, stop overanalyzing, and be honest with guys.

And to the guys---continue to “man up” over, and over, and over again....and be honest with girls. 

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. 

Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

Duh. This is obvious. BUT....we girls like to think that perhaps he’s just shy, or intimidated, or too busy for us. This quote was a wake up call for me. It honestly has allowed me to stop wondering  and just “be.” Because, it’s true...if he’s not asking me out, he’s just not that into me. 

Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. If we want you we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.

Interesting. 

A guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.

I don’t like to wink. And I’m pretty sure my smiles are funny looking. But the concept still remains, right?

Don't let him trick you into asking him out.

Ewwww. This is so NOT manning up.

If he likes you, he'll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time. Know why? You are great.

Confidence is key. A “tsunami” for a guy could be lack of confidence. 

If the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming or plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And more importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

Control. It’s not a bad thing. 

100% of men polled said they've never been too busy to call a woman they were really into.

He's just not that into you if he's not dating you.

Hanging out is not dating.

Dudes like just "hanging out" because they get to pretend they're not really responsible for your feelings. When you ask someone out on a real bona-fide date, you're making it official.

About just "hanging out" relationships: "Nice to know your not-boyfriend gets to live in your world commitment-free."

Girls- it’s ok to have guy friends. Just remember to keep them in the “friend” category. Have the “friend DTR” if you need to. Don’t give up anything physically, emotionally, spiritually that is meant for your hubby...and not your biff.

Men, just like women, want to feel emotionally protected when a relationship starts to become serious.

So, girlies, be aware of guys feelings.

Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you. 

Stop questioning and overanalyzing things your crush said or didn’t say, what they did or didn’t do....and stop wasting cell phone minutes talking to your friends deciphering code.

 

He’s just not that into you if he’s breaking up with you. Don’t confuse being classy with being a doormat. Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with dignity. Being a doormat is offering to drive your ex to the dentist for his root canal. 

Stay classy. 

THE VOW:

Your vow for future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared.

Relationships are tough. 

Let’s start a revolution in the way that we handle all future relationships. 

But, enough about that, I’ve gotta go.. I have to call a friend about that guy I met this past weekend and talk about why he didn’t ask me out....