Today’s post comes near the end of the day. I’m sorry for making you wait. I hope it is worth it. Today doesn’t tie into a nice little bow. I’m still processing a lot of life and I seek to be transparent tonight.
The last few days like clockwork I’ve gotten a headache around 5:30pm. Tonight it held off until now...8:32pm. It’s been creeping up for the last hour, but now it’s here full force. I can’t pinpoint the reason. I won’t blame it on Diet Coke and it’s not as if there is added stress in my life this week or anything. I promise. It’s been stressful and out of whack for about a year.
It took me until May to start unpacking the reasons of my unsettled heart and the sense that I’ve lost control. It’s an odd place to be at, to feel, to experience. I know I’m not really making any sense, and let’s just blame it on the headache for now.
I think I’m going through a 1/3 life crisis. Not a mid-life crisis (because 30 isn’t midlife) but I think there is some unsettledness as I look at my life plan and realize that while the ministry goals are right in line my personal life isn’t where I wanted it to be at this point.
I’ve mentioned this episode before from my favorite show “Friends.”
It’s the one where Rachel turns 30 and in order for her life plan to be perfect it required her to have found a boyfriend...yesterday. In order for all her plans to work out, for her life to be on her track, she realized she might have missed a few things and now her timing is out of whack.
Over the last few months I’ve been working on my “control issues” when it comes to my expectations for excellence in my job but haven’t really worked on this area in my personal life. It’s difficult to separate ministry from life, because I’ve learned that ministry flows from who we are and what we do everyday. But-- I’ve given most of my energy to the ministry at Alleluia, that I nearly have had nothing left for things outside of my job. That has slowly shifted this summer...taking my work email off of my phone, only texting back students if it deems super important, being sure to work on life outside of work...finding some hobbies like running, helping out with a band. I’ve also tried to honor God with my Fridays and make it a full sabbath.
I don’t have it all together in this area and I’m seeking to find balance... I’m also finding ways to give God control. Prayer. Reading scripture. Reading books that matter. Reading books that don’t really matter. Building friendships and hanging out with people and NOT talking about work. etc.
It’s all a process.
Is it worth it to give control to God?
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