I’d probably never say these things out loud, unless you really know me or drag it out of me, so consider this an anomaly. I usually tell God in my journal, so for this one time, I thought I would open up the journal and let you in….just this once.
“I hope, as you read that you’ll never be quite sure if you are chasing Jesus or if He is chasing you. In my experience the good news is that when Jesus is near who is chasing whom never seems to matter much.” Mike Yaconelli
I’m still ok with chasing after God and not much more.
But I have my moments…obviously.
I often wonder if I’ve created a machine instead of a ministry.
I often wonder if I reject myself before I let others reject me.
I often wonder if others think of my friendship as a matter of convenience rather than community because once its inconvenient for them, the friendship is over.
I often wonder if God has called me to a life of singleness. And then I get really angry because I want babies and a hot husband. (I’m having a moment of weakness).
I often wonder if my parents affect me more than I know or want.
I often wonder if my school loans will ever disappear.
I often wonder if I’m effective at all when speaking at youth group or at the x service.
I sometimes wish I was normal, with a normal 9-5 job, with a normal body type, with a normal husband, with normal kids, with a normal life.
I sometimes wish I was super abnormal and had a radical life.
I sometimes think about where I would be right now if I had made different choices in high school. (probably a chain smoker, living in a trailer in the middle of the desert with 7 babies and a husband who wears cut off shorts…seriously, I think about where I would be at this time of day living that life. i.e. feeding a baby and wondering if frozen pizza was a good option again tonight).
Thank God that He’s stolen my heart because my doubts lead me back to truth.
Thank God.
The chase continues.
“I hope, as you read that you’ll never be quite sure if you are chasing Jesus or if He is chasing you. In my experience the good news is that when Jesus is near who is chasing whom never seems to matter much.” Mike Yaconelli
I’m still ok with chasing after God and not much more.
But I have my moments…obviously.
I often wonder if I’ve created a machine instead of a ministry.
I often wonder if I reject myself before I let others reject me.
I often wonder if others think of my friendship as a matter of convenience rather than community because once its inconvenient for them, the friendship is over.
I often wonder if God has called me to a life of singleness. And then I get really angry because I want babies and a hot husband. (I’m having a moment of weakness).
I often wonder if my parents affect me more than I know or want.
I often wonder if my school loans will ever disappear.
I often wonder if I’m effective at all when speaking at youth group or at the x service.
I sometimes wish I was normal, with a normal 9-5 job, with a normal body type, with a normal husband, with normal kids, with a normal life.
I sometimes wish I was super abnormal and had a radical life.
I sometimes think about where I would be right now if I had made different choices in high school. (probably a chain smoker, living in a trailer in the middle of the desert with 7 babies and a husband who wears cut off shorts…seriously, I think about where I would be at this time of day living that life. i.e. feeding a baby and wondering if frozen pizza was a good option again tonight).
Thank God that He’s stolen my heart because my doubts lead me back to truth.
Thank God.
The chase continues.
I appreciate your transparency. Because God knows we all doubt and question more than we like to admit. And I especially appreciate your honesty in stating your desire for a hot husband. Don't worry...I'm right there with you! Love you, friend!
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