A Heavy Anchor and the Last 60 Days.

How is it possible that I haven’t blogged since December? 

I know why. 

It’s been a busy two months. I think everyone can say that, but when I look back on the last sixty days, it’s been filled with many things that I didn’t expect. I asked myself today, where did the first two months of the year go? 

I know where. 

2012 began with a few big church events, and then the world sort of stopped for a few days. It was during a church service when I got the call that my grandfather had passed away. I honored my grandfather by speaking at his funeral in Ohio. It was a whirlwind trip heading back to Illinois quickly to set up sacred space prayer stations for a women’s retreat just five days after his death. 

That was January.

February was retreat month, planning for our biggest and (best) student weekend ever. It wasn’t until the end of the month, so I had plenty of time to tie up lose ends and planning. However, a few other things came up that occupied my evenings. I am thankful for the passion projects that God puts in my life outside of my career and calling in youth ministry. These passion projects include speaking at a girls camp, training for a run, writing for a youth ministry blogsite, and planning a mission trip to Belize. 

Speaking of Belize. 

In a week’s time, my mission trip planning to Belize began and ended. I was asked to go to Belize to share sacred space prayer stations with pastors in that area. I was super excited for this opportunity to share the gifts that God has given me. So I spent most of a week planning out details, talking to people about potential financial support, and tying up loose ends. Before the trip had even been solidified, I had spent nearly two weeks praying over the opportunity, bringing it before a few friends for support, and even connecting with my pastors about it. But just a short week after finalizing my “yes” I received a very disappointing “no.” I was about to get my plane ticket and got the call that the people in Belize had different ideas about the trip. Perhaps next time they said. So my trip was gone. Something that I was so sure God was calling me to was gone. I never question God, I never really have. But the question I have asked is “why did this come in and out of my life? What am I supposed to learn or do or be from this experience?” 

But I didn’t really have time to mourn the loss of the trip. 

My birthday came just a day after receiving the news about my cancelled trip, and just three days before our big retreat. While friends and family celebrated me, I was preoccupied with grief of wondering what God was doing through the gift of the Belize trip and then the immediate cancelation. I was preoccupied with the retreat too. My 32nd birthday came and went. The retreat came and went. February came and went. 

So now it’s March. 

And it didn’t surprise me that all of the grief, emotions, questions, and tiredness from the previous 60 days drowned me with a heavy anchor. All of what was in these months came on heavy and I walked through the day with a weight on my heart. It was March 1st. I should have known. I had recovered from the big retreat and life slowed down. It’s like when adrenaline wears off and you start to feel your wounds and realize you are bleeding. 

That was me March 1st. 

But what was won’t define my next 60 days. I let it take hold for a day, discovering all that God was doing in and through me to remind me that life is meant to be lived, daily. That being numb for a few days, being preoccupied with the next thing was ok for then. But it’s not ok now. 

Today is March 2nd. 

Life anew. Things fresh. I can shake the last 60 days, I can learn from them, I can see the blessings, I can see where God is still mending the places that hurt, and where He’s whispering His promises. And today, March 2nd, I can say I’m thankful for the ways that God has revealed Himself to me in these past 60 days.

How is it possible I haven’t blogged since December? 

I know why. And I’m ok with it.